“Mórnįng moṯivātör”

Pain 5/10

Location: Deininger Weiher, Germany

Pain Diary Entry: 12 October 2022

Todays photo was taken a few days ago on a foggy morning that motivated me to try and get this shot. I had been awake for about an hour totally unsure of what to do with myself as I couldn’t motivate myself to move as the pain was so intense. I was pretty close to another breakdown when I came back from the bathroom with blurry eyes from the tears starting to form when I saw the fog outside and immediately knew what I wanted to do, to get this sort of photo. I got a surge of motivation to push through the barrier to get moving. So I did, and the first 10 minutes walking was hell. Pure hell. But as usual once warmed up I started to feel better. The fresh air and mist making me feel safe and able to just focus on me whilst I warmed up. My next problem was knowing that my knees will only last a short time before I have to stop as that pain gets to much. So I have this short window of time to try and get this pic in my head into my camera. I got a few but this is as close to what I wanted and am proud I got it. This camera and diary is motivating me to live a life that fits my abilities. Will see where this ends up as I’m going to continue trying to take better photos and other artwork whenever I can. Wherever I am. I’m finding a purpose. I guess as im sharing this publicly now you can join me in these small mental wins I get. The support from everyone is also motivating so thank you too.
Didn’t hide the 5 today in the pic but I didn’t want to hide in this one. This moment was special for me as I did this at a 6. Then collapsed for the rest of the day. Absolutely worth it.

Size (framed): 84.1cm x 59.1cm Landsdcape

Frame: Black Wood with grain

Material: Exhibition Poster

Price: 313 EUR (incl 16% VAT)

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Pain Diary

Resilience diary- pain today: 5/10. Photo: "Fłåṯ" One of my first hikes was in the blue mountains and the blue gum forest. The blue mountains are unique in their formation whereby most infrastructure is on the top as the valleys are mostly dead ends and traps. The hike world start by train from home, changing in the city for a line out to Blackheath where a short walk of a couple of km's brings us to the start of the trail. Short at about 14km the hike takes two days because 12 of those km are either falling down one side of the valley or attempting to scramble up the other side. It's hard work and the downhill was always my least favourite as would cause my knees the most pain whereas up hill was just stamina, which i had back then. The campsite was at Acacia flat not far from the forest of blue gums. Coming home after a trip like that is like leaving a dream. The bush and nature a place to find peace with everything. #project117 #nature #views #hiking #childhood

Resilience diary- pain today: 6/10. Photo: "Ħēâvëņ&scaron;"

I enjoyed getting older and have always wanted to be old though I've never really questioned why. I guess i see it as a measure of success in what is a form of a surviv

Resilience diary- pain today: 6/10. Photo: "Ħēâvëņš" I enjoyed getting older and have always wanted to be old though I've never really questioned why. I guess i see it as a measure of success in what is a form of a survival game and being old is a way of winning the game though I'm sure my mind will change on that if i delve into the matter. What aging also gave me which i thrived on, was new ways to view the world. I was starting to watch the news on tv sometimes and read the weekend paper and starting to see and hear about things I've been lucky enough to never experience such as war or dictatorships. I really started questioning religion the older i got as it just didn't make sense to me, i got much of it and edited the community bit but a year out from my bar mitzvah I was being drawn away from temple and into the bush with scouts. That's where i fell in love with life and things started to make sense to me. I had a place where I could safely test out ideas whilst doing adventures, a lucky time. #project117 #beliefs #heavens #thoughts #community

Resilience diary- pain today: 5/10. Photo: "Čōñṯǐŋûõǔş" Today is the beginning of the fourth year of this diary. For someone who tends to start and stop things on a regular basis in quite proud I've kept this up for the past 1461 days. I have no plans to stop as it has become a nice anchor to my day and I'm enjoying looking back at my life and trying to work out how i became who i am. I would love to find out how I have been mentally sitting when I've needed to be so i can both use it more often and to share it however i feel it's really an independent thing that one needs to build the right environment around them to give the opportunity. The best thing i learnt from my youth was (eventually) to not care what others say about me, i can't stop them, so just do me and what's best for me and surround myself with people who support that and enjoy that life. I'm interested to see where this diary ends up or talks about but so far the journey has been extensive 😂 thx for those joining me on the way. #project117 #anniversary #time #continuous #diary

Resilience diary- pain today: 5/10. Photo: "Měḏíțâṯīòńş" I think what i enjoyed most as i fell down the philosophy well was the multiple ways to answer the same questions and they could sometimes all be correct even if they contradicted each other. By age twelve I had worked out that some solutions are not the only ones and the idea that a whole world existed where questions could be explored without end seemed fun to me. I started to have all sorts of wild thoughts about meaning and then got thrown a curve ball as ethics was thrown into the mix and that just amplified my thinking. I started having trouble overthinking it going to deep such that i would scare myself at the brevity and depth of what i was feeling that could not be out into words. I loved this freedom of search without limits except those you restrain yourself within. That idea spoke to me as all i seemed to do is figure out how to get my body to do what i wanted even though it didn't. Those deep thoughts would sometimes go to far and I'd temporarily be paralysed from the existential thoughts rushing around me but gradually i got used to the signs of going to far and then distract myself out of it before trying again later. Eventually life got too busy and filled those thoughts with other things but recently with time to breathe I'm returning there and it's so interesting. #project117 #philosophy #thinking #answers #questions

Resilience diary- pain today: 6/10. Photo: "Ėŋčōǔṟáğęmēńṯ" Where i think ive been most lucky in life is how from the start I have been surrounded by people who have encouraged me to be the best person i can be. I have been loved and cared for for as long as i can remember which provided me with the opportunity to build the resilience i needed to enjoy a life with. I wish this applied to everyone as there is enough to deal with for anyone and to be supported through those times is crucial to one's health. I have great family friends, those friends of parents that really become uncles and aunties, that have always been there and many still are as they read this diary. I know it's been said that it takes a village to raise a child but i don't know (though pretty sure I'm not the first ) to think it takes a village to become a person. As i got older and hit my teenage years i was starting to be ok absorbing these new understandings, spending all my time building relationships though not intentionally, i was working out that if someone doesn't like something about me i didn't have to give it any attention or even acknowledgment. This idea grew over the next few years until i had the confidence to try things on my own. Rovers was a great time for that. For now though i was still a lost little kid being stuffed full of hope from everyone around him. I felt pretty good. #project117 #encouragement #support #sharing #satisfying

Resilience diary - pain today: 6/10. Photo: "İŋțęñțïōń" I have never had any natural ability or even awareness sometimes, of being tidy or organised. Mum would regularly call me lazy which looking back i totally get as i haven't really changed much and can see myself thinking the same occasionally. That word would become a trigger for me as no matter how hard i tried to meet whatever the requirements to not be lazy were, i was never scout till meet them. My excuse or theory is to blame my physical limitations as the force behind my constant desire to leave chaos in my wake. There is hopefully some truth to that as it has always felt cumbersome to do anything yet if it's fun I'll be more motivated to push myself to do it and ensure it's aftermath whereas if it's not then why push and hurt myself for no benefit. Of course benefits are being missed but that's been my challenge for as long as i remember, how to balance everything so I'm feeling strong enough to continue. Reading epistemology as i began my teenage years was opening my mind to new thoughts and gave me some hope that even if there aren't any answers, the journey to find more questions was beginning to look amazing, i just needed more skills to find my way. Still searching, always. ☺️ #project117 #lazy #intentional #effort #limited

Resilience diary - pain today: 6/10. Photo: "Ćǐṟqůě" I met a lot of people in hospitals but most of the influence this has on me was the indirect interactions that taught me how we all want the same thing regardless of who we are or come from. This spilled over to my school world when i briefly befriended a fellow student who lived not far from me but who lived in a different world. The house was a mansion that never had anyone in it, the parents had other priorities than home life and my friend suffered. It was the first time i realised that home life differs greatly for everyone and though he seemingly had it all, he was hurting bad and struggling with it and it showed. It caused a bunch more questions as well, seeing a different kind of suffering. What i don't think I'll ever understand, is how we want the same fundamentals yet fight over one another in the name of them. I want to be physically and mentally comfortable yet at least physically this isn't possible, which leaves its mark. #project117 #circus #cirquedusoleil #stories #search

Resilience diary- pain today: 6/10. Photo: "Vōçåb" I had two foreign language classes to begin with at the Steiner schools. Both in hindsight quite difficult, German and Japanese. Learning a language from scratch in Australia i think is impossible as we have few if any places to live with the language. After doing both for 6 years i was an embarrassment to education, although possibly most of that is my fault, as couldn't speak either though could count and remember a few basic sentences. I never thought I'd use any other language as never thought I'd leave Australia thanks to my scouting adventures showing me its beauty. I hadn't understood the many languages that existed in Australia at the time but that one i put more on the government and education system than my ignorance. I also dumbly thought that all languages were just different words for the same things said in the same order and so learning a Language was just a memory game, how wrong i was. Now i wish i found learning languages easier as they all give ways to thoughts, concepts or ways of thinking that don't exist in mine. The more i realised there were other ways to view the world, to think, to live, the more interested i became in it. Searching for ways to answer those unanswerable questions that i was having about life and all its confusing unknowns. Opening my mind up was and still is crucial to survival and enjoyment. #project117 #languages #lessons #practice #use

Resilience diary- pain today: 5/10. Photo: "Śúřřǒûńḏēḏ" I found water to be the most freeing and liberating for my body. To take the weight off my oversized feet always feels amazing. The relief starts in those pressed toes and shimmies is way up through my ankles, calves, knees, thighs and lower back before meeting the relief surging in from the my other extremities. With this in mind for my birthday around age 12 i got gifted a scuba diving course where i would find a world that provided my first real pain relief underwater followed by exhaustion out of it. The next couple of years i would dive any chance i got and 30 years later am still lucky enough to still enjoy it. I've now got my wife and best friend certified to which is even better. Today still feeling a little knocked out from my attempted exercise and trying to motivate myself to do it again, or something more than my knitting and cooking as a days movement. Still, feeling pretty up which is a big start. #project117 #surrounded #places #water #sinking

Resilience diary- pain today: 5/10. Photo: "Ğöøşêbúmpș" I've never been scared of heights though i do get that adrenaline punch whenever near a visible drop. After my first abseil went so horridly wrong I wasn't afraid to try again, the rush was too great and the smile would carry me through the week. I started rock climbing as well, meaning more skills and gear to get, mum and dad did pretty well to not buy everything i ever asked for but if it was necessary we found a way, the scout group had loads of gear which made it all possible. I'm wanting to go rock climbing or more accurately, indoor bouldering, as it was such a good sport for me. Low/no impact and a full body workout. I'm scared though, as any time i do exercise my body hurts more, i went for a walk two days ago as my pain was getting quite low for me and i want to try and stay fit, anyhow got home after the short meander with a screaming back which was expected so fine, but then i lay on the couch and getting up again soon after, my neck and shoulder felt like a lightning bolt hit it and it's been on and off for a day now, and my back is spicy too 😂😅 I've got lots i want and should be doing but crikey it's difficult when my bits are so easily tormented. I'll get to climbing soon though. I really want to push through and get back into it. #project117 #goosebumps #how #unsure #heights