Resilience diary- pain today: 6/10. Photo: "Ħēâvëņš" I enjoyed getting older and have always wanted to be old though I've never really questioned why. I guess i see it as a measure of success in what is a form of a survival game and being old is a way of winning the game though I'm sure my mind will change on that if i delve into the matter. What aging also gave me which i thrived on, was new ways to view the world. I was starting to watch the news on tv sometimes and read the weekend paper and starting to see and hear about things I've been lucky enough to never experience such as war or dictatorships. I really started questioning religion the older i got as it just didn't make sense to me, i got much of it and edited the community bit but a year out from my bar mitzvah I was being drawn away from temple and into the bush with scouts. That's where i fell in love with life and things started to make sense to me. I had a place where I could safely test out ideas whilst doing adventures, a lucky time. #project117 #beliefs #heavens #thoughts #community

Resilience diary- pain today: 5/10. Photo: "Čōñṯǐŋûõǔş" Today is the beginning of the fourth year of this diary. For someone who tends to start and stop things on a regular basis in quite proud I've kept this up for the past 1461 days. I have no plans to stop as it has become a nice anchor to my day and I'm enjoying looking back at my life and trying to work out how i became who i am. I would love to find out how I have been mentally sitting when I've needed to be so i can both use it more often and to share it however i feel it's really an independent thing that one needs to build the right environment around them to give the opportunity. The best thing i learnt from my youth was (eventually) to not care what others say about me, i can't stop them, so just do me and what's best for me and surround myself with people who support that and enjoy that life. I'm interested to see where this diary ends up or talks about but so far the journey has been extensive 😂 thx for those joining me on the way. #project117 #anniversary #time #continuous #diary

Resilience diary- pain today: 5/10. Photo: "Měḏíțâṯīòńş" I think what i enjoyed most as i fell down the philosophy well was the multiple ways to answer the same questions and they could sometimes all be correct even if they contradicted each other. By age twelve I had worked out that some solutions are not the only ones and the idea that a whole world existed where questions could be explored without end seemed fun to me. I started to have all sorts of wild thoughts about meaning and then got thrown a curve ball as ethics was thrown into the mix and that just amplified my thinking. I started having trouble overthinking it going to deep such that i would scare myself at the brevity and depth of what i was feeling that could not be out into words. I loved this freedom of search without limits except those you restrain yourself within. That idea spoke to me as all i seemed to do is figure out how to get my body to do what i wanted even though it didn't. Those deep thoughts would sometimes go to far and I'd temporarily be paralysed from the existential thoughts rushing around me but gradually i got used to the signs of going to far and then distract myself out of it before trying again later. Eventually life got too busy and filled those thoughts with other things but recently with time to breathe I'm returning there and it's so interesting. #project117 #philosophy #thinking #answers #questions

Resilience diary- pain today: 6/10. Photo: "Ėŋčōǔṟáğęmēńṯ" Where i think ive been most lucky in life is how from the start I have been surrounded by people who have encouraged me to be the best person i can be. I have been loved and cared for for as long as i can remember which provided me with the opportunity to build the resilience i needed to enjoy a life with. I wish this applied to everyone as there is enough to deal with for anyone and to be supported through those times is crucial to one's health. I have great family friends, those friends of parents that really become uncles and aunties, that have always been there and many still are as they read this diary. I know it's been said that it takes a village to raise a child but i don't know (though pretty sure I'm not the first ) to think it takes a village to become a person. As i got older and hit my teenage years i was starting to be ok absorbing these new understandings, spending all my time building relationships though not intentionally, i was working out that if someone doesn't like something about me i didn't have to give it any attention or even acknowledgment. This idea grew over the next few years until i had the confidence to try things on my own. Rovers was a great time for that. For now though i was still a lost little kid being stuffed full of hope from everyone around him. I felt pretty good. #project117 #encouragement #support #sharing #satisfying

Resilience diary - pain today: 6/10. Photo: "İŋțęñțïōń" I have never had any natural ability or even awareness sometimes, of being tidy or organised. Mum would regularly call me lazy which looking back i totally get as i haven't really changed much and can see myself thinking the same occasionally. That word would become a trigger for me as no matter how hard i tried to meet whatever the requirements to not be lazy were, i was never scout till meet them. My excuse or theory is to blame my physical limitations as the force behind my constant desire to leave chaos in my wake. There is hopefully some truth to that as it has always felt cumbersome to do anything yet if it's fun I'll be more motivated to push myself to do it and ensure it's aftermath whereas if it's not then why push and hurt myself for no benefit. Of course benefits are being missed but that's been my challenge for as long as i remember, how to balance everything so I'm feeling strong enough to continue. Reading epistemology as i began my teenage years was opening my mind to new thoughts and gave me some hope that even if there aren't any answers, the journey to find more questions was beginning to look amazing, i just needed more skills to find my way. Still searching, always. ☺️ #project117 #lazy #intentional #effort #limited