Resilience diary- pain today: 6/10. Photo: "Íṯċħ" Much to the annoyance of my mother, i don't think I've ever been able to not scratch myself somewhere. I've never really given it much thought as it's just another one of those physical characteristics that seem to control me despite what my mind would prefer. Another quirk is how I'll find myself rubbing the outside of my thighs with the heel of my hand trying to relieve the pressure or strain of the muscle that runs from my hip to my knee that feels like a wire cable almost at breaking point. I think my attitude towards all my ticks or physical reactions is to just ignore the comments and continue, the physical discomfort i am trying to minimise in every cell in my body overwhelms any other want almost all of the time. I can't do more than what i am to survive in this vessel and is a core reason for my constant separation of mind and body despite their influence on each other. They are connected I just need to try and split the two apart less my mind becomes as broken as my body. Pain is quite severe at the moment after starting to pack for another adventure. I dont feel like I'm complaining, just continuing to work out what I am and how to match my thoughts with reality. Accepting how many broken bits of me there are is a slow process, my nausea is still there, i itch, i hurt, i suffer, but continue. #project117 #discomfort #skin #itchy #habit

Resilience diary- pain today: 6/10. Photo: "Ǎçťivě" My week as a thirteen year old was, looking back, quite active. I seem to remember thinking that the only free day i had, after school of course, was Tuesdays. At school i was also picking up extra stuff with some guitar lessons whilst at shul i joined the choir as well as doing some teaching. So Mondays was scouts, Tuesday free, Wednesday was guitar though i feel like something else happened here too. Thursday was shul lessons, Friday was often heading out to camp or fish and chips night with fam, weekends were either camping or at shul learning, teaching or singing. I had two competing communities at that time, religion and scouts. Gradually as i read more philosophy and understood more and more about the world, religion started to fade and scouts would go on to dominate the next 13 years, though it was a slow transition as i tried to do everything at once, open eyed and big eared as i tried to work out how i fitted into whatever was going on. Clueless and running from my deepest fears and my body, by pushing it to its limit. They were mostly good times. #project117 #hectic #youth #active #stories

Resilience diary- pain today: 4/10. Photo: "Fřåmè" We all knew our school was a bit alternative and most of us embraced it with open arms. A new kid arrived one day who came from a more traditional private boys school and watching him deal with the differences was quite something. Coming from a world of rules and orders he was used to being told what to do and when. My experience of the school was the complete opposite, i learnt communication and freedom of choice under the guidance of the teachers. Decisions were made more as a group than from a single source allowing for a more dynamic environment that looking back feels a bit more like the real world. You can do it or not, consequences obviously follow but that exists for all choices, the responsibility though was on me. As much as i like the school system it provided, it wasn't perfect Abn's i wasn't happy there. I would make two friends there but I struggled to trust people due to the ongoing bullying by others. So i mostly retreated into myself, learning what i could about the world and my place in it and enjoyed being in a school that was also an outlier like me, that started to feel normal. That taught me to continue ignoring the opinions of others, especially when they have no experience where I had, making my days a bit easier to cope with. That was the main outcome from my teens, a trust in myself and an interest in why others behave the way they do, allowing me to adjust as I went. #project117 #alternative #schooling #different #goals

Resilience diary - pain today: 5/10. Photo: "Bǎcķğřôuŋḏ" Its a little odd now being in the time that has been my foretold future for as long as i can remember. I planned a lot but nothing really prepares for a total change in one's day to day living. For as long as i can remember i would be full of energy and activity from the moment i'd wake up early in the morning until eventually making it to bed whenever and wherever that was that day. Gradually over the years, creeping without bringing attention to itself, I would find myself fading earlier and earlier needing bed a little sooner and rest a little more often. Imperceptible on a daily level as the every changing needs of the moment would dictate these tiny details. Suddenly a few years ago i couldn't keep up with the changes and like hitting a wall at full speed, i stopped. I had to stop as continuing was too damaging. Adjusting to such an abrupt change hasnt been easy and I have a big challenge to attempt thanks to some recent lab results. I need to change my diet to one that matches my current lifestyle. I lived on high octane burns for the first 40 years, now i need to find a slow burn that keeps me going for another 75. About to turn 43 this weekend so probably a good time to adapt things. #project117 #autopilot #background #time #ordered

Resilience diary - pain today: 4/10. Photo: "Mẽšś Ķït" The basic equipment for any camp would usually include a mess kit of some sort. A collection of cutlery and associated items that often would be carried in a small cotton bag with a draw string. Often hung near the camp kitchen or off a tree when not in use, it was as necessary as one's sleeping bag. As i would learn later in life, I'm forever searching for an easier way for me and my body to interact with the world and mess kits were often bulky and extra weight. The less i had to carry or clean the less i had to use my body and so i worked out a way to not need a mess kit. It happened gradually and probably because i forgot something at first but i remember often using a frisbee as a plate, knives and forks were usually needed for cooking as well so if i ate last i could use them and wash them with the cooking stuff. My clothes would do to wipe my hands on, they'd survive a day or two of grubiness. I wasn't a complicated food person either and often with bread and/or wraps available I'd just make a sandwich or wrap with the meal and not need any plate or item. I've often thought of this behaviour as laziness and was often called that, it took me years to realise that actually I would do anything to not add even an exta picosecond of body movement as it always hurt. I was, have been and always will be in search of the most efficient way for me to reach my goal, shortcuts upon shortcuts and often leaning on others to support me in my mission. The name calling and reputation can not touch my mental separation that is needed from a physical body that punishes every waking moment. Scouts helped me find that strength, it was a safe place to find myself and work out who I was and how I was going to be. I got comfortable with being different and found out how that can be an incredible skill in life. First minimise discomfort as best as possible before trying next requirement towards goal, then updating before repeating. This applies to little and big things. #project117 #messkit #efficient #lightweight #wild