Resilience diary- pain today: 5/10. Photo: "Ħőmôğẽņŷ" I felt a strong paradox in certain parts of my life as i reached my teenage years. I seemed to be guided by the laws and culture i lived in that we all are the same and so should be treated the same thus the same rules for all. Yet my experience was telling me that i was different and it didn't take long for someone to notice, call it out and often, use it to (at that age) mostly bully me. I learned quickly to embrace the difference as it felt like i had a secret no one else knew... new people i would meet, mostly kids my own age, would call me weird within a few minutes. I quickly took this on as almost a goal whenever i met someone as i was just having fun and people thought that was weird which made it more fun and so it went. Learning how to disarm this sure of negativity as soon as it pops up was a social life saver for me as it didn't matter how much i tried, i would always walk different and when my pain got too much the symptoms are visible. But i grew to own weird, then as i grew older i realised there is no unweird, non-weird etc, there is just is trying to figure out who we are and what we're supposed to do. Chaos ensues and its incredible to participate. #project117 #different #weird #embrace #fun

Resilience diary- pain today: 6/10. Photo: "Šýmbǒļ" Some clubs have invitations, rituals, hierarchy, structure etc, others are a demographical default with one of those having its own symbol with which you can be born into, acquire, lose, have indefinitely or temporarily with membership determined by matters out of your control. I didn't know what to make of my club as my genre was rare and so had to learn from others. As i watched the world, i learned how even those not belonging to the club have their own challenges and that the line for the club is very blurry and determined by our peers which is always going to be subjective. I learnt that we all are fundamentally the same though, from the paralysed to the Olympic athlete. Nice to know but not overly practical but i knew that my only goal was to secure the basics so whatever happens to me i can still enjoy a level of freedom of my choosing, limited sure, but nothing is infinite in a finite world. #project117 #demographics #decisions #symbols #groups

Resilience diary- pain today: Six/10. Photo: "Ħėřmįť" Fear comes in many forms. There's the shock option that sends the heartbeat flapping away or the suspenseful type that causes sweat to gather ands anxiety to rise. I've got a few fears that seem to drive my existence forward and a paradox that has me stuck. I've always done stuff and even when i stopped working i knew I needed to do stuff to be healthy which is not a great motivator for me but easy enough to convey the point. I don't want to do anything at the moment as I'm tired of it resulting in increased pain. I just want a break sometimes. I can pretend when in company but on my own sometimes i just don't want to move. Then the less i do the harder it is to do something when i want and the spiral continues down that then impacts the mental side that has been enduring the ever growing number and intensity of issues that is preventing me from enjoying anything. I'm afraid of my future and the strength i need to find my motivation again. I'm sure i'm just having a breather but I'm tired also. I'm really tired of feeling so physically broken with every movement with it only ever getting worse. Growing up was a rush to fit in all the physical activities one can do in life before my options were reduced. Glad i did them though. Now i just keep waiting until that drive returns, it's there, hiding, like a hermit. #project117 #drive #motivation #balance #edge

Resilience diary- pain today: 6/10. Photo: "Şħípÿǎṟḏş" Occasionally I would join dad on one of his work trips up or down the coast to one of the most intimidating places on earth, a shipyard. I remember one up near Newcastle that was just the biggest piece of infrastructure I'd ever seen. The docks had dozens of ships and boats that ranged in size from tugs and big little boats to container and other cargo ships measuring hundreds of meters long. Dad in this job would do the annual or other periodic checks of these behemoths signing off on their legal and safety right to sail. I didn't know this at the time, I was just bored and didn't understand how incredible dads work was probably because his level was beyond phd level and I was a 12 year old who couldn't count. The ships were mostly out of bounds for me though and so usually I'd be left on the bridge or galley to occupy myself with no book or phone for a few hours as dad did his thing. I never connected to ships the way dad did which is a bit of a shame as no one knows them better and has I ever managed to study would of had a great teacher. I am inspired by his passion for them though, they've given him a full life with incredible stories, all one can ask for i guess. #project117 #shipyards #bored #cold #huge

Resilience diary- pain today: 5/10. Photo: "Fłåṯ" One of my first hikes was in the blue mountains and the blue gum forest. The blue mountains are unique in their formation whereby most infrastructure is on the top as the valleys are mostly dead ends and traps. The hike world start by train from home, changing in the city for a line out to Blackheath where a short walk of a couple of km's brings us to the start of the trail. Short at about 14km the hike takes two days because 12 of those km are either falling down one side of the valley or attempting to scramble up the other side. It's hard work and the downhill was always my least favourite as would cause my knees the most pain whereas up hill was just stamina, which i had back then. The campsite was at Acacia flat not far from the forest of blue gums. Coming home after a trip like that is like leaving a dream. The bush and nature a place to find peace with everything. #project117 #nature #views #hiking #childhood

Resilience diary- pain today: 6/10. Photo: "Ħēâvëņš" I enjoyed getting older and have always wanted to be old though I've never really questioned why. I guess i see it as a measure of success in what is a form of a survival game and being old is a way of winning the game though I'm sure my mind will change on that if i delve into the matter. What aging also gave me which i thrived on, was new ways to view the world. I was starting to watch the news on tv sometimes and read the weekend paper and starting to see and hear about things I've been lucky enough to never experience such as war or dictatorships. I really started questioning religion the older i got as it just didn't make sense to me, i got much of it and edited the community bit but a year out from my bar mitzvah I was being drawn away from temple and into the bush with scouts. That's where i fell in love with life and things started to make sense to me. I had a place where I could safely test out ideas whilst doing adventures, a lucky time. #project117 #beliefs #heavens #thoughts #community

Resilience diary- pain today: 5/10. Photo: "Čōñṯǐŋûõǔş" Today is the beginning of the fourth year of this diary. For someone who tends to start and stop things on a regular basis in quite proud I've kept this up for the past 1461 days. I have no plans to stop as it has become a nice anchor to my day and I'm enjoying looking back at my life and trying to work out how i became who i am. I would love to find out how I have been mentally sitting when I've needed to be so i can both use it more often and to share it however i feel it's really an independent thing that one needs to build the right environment around them to give the opportunity. The best thing i learnt from my youth was (eventually) to not care what others say about me, i can't stop them, so just do me and what's best for me and surround myself with people who support that and enjoy that life. I'm interested to see where this diary ends up or talks about but so far the journey has been extensive 😂 thx for those joining me on the way. #project117 #anniversary #time #continuous #diary

Resilience diary- pain today: 5/10. Photo: "Měḏíțâṯīòńş" I think what i enjoyed most as i fell down the philosophy well was the multiple ways to answer the same questions and they could sometimes all be correct even if they contradicted each other. By age twelve I had worked out that some solutions are not the only ones and the idea that a whole world existed where questions could be explored without end seemed fun to me. I started to have all sorts of wild thoughts about meaning and then got thrown a curve ball as ethics was thrown into the mix and that just amplified my thinking. I started having trouble overthinking it going to deep such that i would scare myself at the brevity and depth of what i was feeling that could not be out into words. I loved this freedom of search without limits except those you restrain yourself within. That idea spoke to me as all i seemed to do is figure out how to get my body to do what i wanted even though it didn't. Those deep thoughts would sometimes go to far and I'd temporarily be paralysed from the existential thoughts rushing around me but gradually i got used to the signs of going to far and then distract myself out of it before trying again later. Eventually life got too busy and filled those thoughts with other things but recently with time to breathe I'm returning there and it's so interesting. #project117 #philosophy #thinking #answers #questions

Resilience diary- pain today: 6/10. Photo: "Ėŋčōǔṟáğęmēńṯ" Where i think ive been most lucky in life is how from the start I have been surrounded by people who have encouraged me to be the best person i can be. I have been loved and cared for for as long as i can remember which provided me with the opportunity to build the resilience i needed to enjoy a life with. I wish this applied to everyone as there is enough to deal with for anyone and to be supported through those times is crucial to one's health. I have great family friends, those friends of parents that really become uncles and aunties, that have always been there and many still are as they read this diary. I know it's been said that it takes a village to raise a child but i don't know (though pretty sure I'm not the first ) to think it takes a village to become a person. As i got older and hit my teenage years i was starting to be ok absorbing these new understandings, spending all my time building relationships though not intentionally, i was working out that if someone doesn't like something about me i didn't have to give it any attention or even acknowledgment. This idea grew over the next few years until i had the confidence to try things on my own. Rovers was a great time for that. For now though i was still a lost little kid being stuffed full of hope from everyone around him. I felt pretty good. #project117 #encouragement #support #sharing #satisfying

Resilience diary - pain today: 6/10. Photo: "İŋțęñțïōń" I have never had any natural ability or even awareness sometimes, of being tidy or organised. Mum would regularly call me lazy which looking back i totally get as i haven't really changed much and can see myself thinking the same occasionally. That word would become a trigger for me as no matter how hard i tried to meet whatever the requirements to not be lazy were, i was never scout till meet them. My excuse or theory is to blame my physical limitations as the force behind my constant desire to leave chaos in my wake. There is hopefully some truth to that as it has always felt cumbersome to do anything yet if it's fun I'll be more motivated to push myself to do it and ensure it's aftermath whereas if it's not then why push and hurt myself for no benefit. Of course benefits are being missed but that's been my challenge for as long as i remember, how to balance everything so I'm feeling strong enough to continue. Reading epistemology as i began my teenage years was opening my mind to new thoughts and gave me some hope that even if there aren't any answers, the journey to find more questions was beginning to look amazing, i just needed more skills to find my way. Still searching, always. ☺️ #project117 #lazy #intentional #effort #limited