Resilience diary- pain today: 7/10. Photo: "Šēäṟċħ" The last few days have been a wild ride of memories, excitement and old lessons coming back to use. It also highlighted to me the reliance on electricity and internet in the common age. As a teen in scouts I really enjoyed problem solving in wild weather. I've woken up in my sleeping bag soaking wet as a creek formed underneath me. A reason to stop using tents with separated floors to walls... getting one's sleeping gear wet is really the only killer to things though. Broken tents, bags, forgotten cooking gear or even food can be resolved by changing plans. This flexibility experience i feel helps me in my long term dealing with my body and just general life. Plans are great but are not always possible. Externalities influence everything from before and after any plan and so i find being less specific in plans gives way to opportunity as well. To be fair it doesn't always work out and failure is a component, but it exists even in the most detailed plans too so i don't go to that much effort. As with everything i learnt and based on my physical limits i find adventuring to be easier and dealing with failure easier to as i know that if i keep trying I'll find a way, and if not i move on to something else. I'm having the best time at the moment. I'm worried about my back as is worse and needs looking at but outside of these usual complaints, I'm happy. Having the most comfortable bed in the van also helps. Comfort is a new addition to my camping ventures. The rest is old habits. #project117 #search #peekaboo #find #wild

Resilience diary- pain today: 7/10. Photo: "Ṟúń" Storms, summits, slate and sun. Its all happening, its so much fun. No time to stay still, gotta... gotta run! #project117

Resilience diary- pain today: 7/10. Photo: "Śṯřäṉḏ" No reception, hoping this gets through! 🙌😜 #project117 #wales #beach #attitude #stones

Resilience diary - pain today: 7/10. Photo: "Vìćè" Every friday night as is tradition, candles, wine and bread. By thirteen i was starting to find booze to be a wonderful feeling. I wouldnt be having much, maybe a hundred mls of as much as i could sneak in. It was a beautiful distraction from my usual physical feeling of pain, discomfort and general confusion, things that still plague me today. And so occasionally i would sneak a sip from any bottle happening to be in the fridge. I got caught eventually and so the opportunities were reduced but the desire hadn't. I had to be careful with finding such vices as they could destroy me quite quickly. But the relief they gave is a strong attractor and so I either was taught or chose myself to not take on any extra chemical help. It's meant that alcohol eventually turned into my overindulgence as the years rolled on and generally I've been ok with it though there have been times where i surprised myself and so took a year off not too long ago. These days it's greatly reduced but still there, always tempting me to imbibe and escape my suffering or more realistically, masking it till later. Was a slow journey though, from the start to end of my teens and i was starting to hit puberty and become a total twat also, lots was being learnt, who knew where id go. #project117 #wine #vice #escape #addiction

Resilience diary- pain today: 6/10. Photo: "Šmíğğìŋş" Despite hating the snow with a passion, mum offered to join our scout group on a ski trip as a driver to help out with transport. I think it was just for a weekend and it was one and only time she offered. It was awful weather as it just snowed and snowed and made being outside an absolute misery. Unless you were me of course. I had never been in such an environment, unlike my mother who was telling stories of her as a kid walking 3 miles through the snow up to her knees to get a bus or something. I loved it. I was learning to ski and was finding a new love, speed. I dont know what everyone was thinking stuck in me on skis, with dodgy joints and chronic pain most thirteen year olds i knew would not even try, i meanwhile was finding a new level of joy and pain. My feet were too wide for any boots, even at thirteen my feet were fully grown and made me look like a clown. The twisting needed to turn the long skis pushed my muscles to breaking point and yet i was having a blast. I picked it up quicker than surfing and felt even more free. A seemingly common theme i'm realising, a need to be free from myself, by using the body i struggle with so much, to find its sweet spot. In that moment of sliding, gravity doing its thing, i was alive, future ben could deal with the pain, right then i wanted to just be free and i was. I chase that feeling constantly and wandering around wales this week is reviving those feelings. My body is screaming to stop, but i can, for the moment, push that to later, for now we live. #project117 #ski #snow #newlove #mad