Resilience diary- pain today: 7/10. Photo: "Ěâṟpħǒṉęš" I bought my first Walkman when i was thirteen. It was pink though i think the marketing said it was a reddish colour mine was definitely pink. I liked the colour as i did most colours as they were a sharp contrast to the world i was seeing everyday. Train stations and suits mostly, outside of my destinations that is. The bus stop at Chatswood train station was underneath a shopping centre of sorts and was dark and noisy. I started listening to the radio on the way to school, commercial triple m though i wish i found triple j earlier but mmm got me through the first part of high school. With my earphones in and my reflective sunglasses on, i could escape the world which i didn't seem to fit in well with and create my own little bubble where i could watch without being seen watching and listen when i wanted to hear, noise cancelling was a way off yet. Looking back i think this is the formation of one of my oldest habits, how i felt safer when out and about. I walked a bit funny and so would often get looks that i didn't like. I was learning quite quickly that i had two characteristics that the world seemed to have terrible with, being disabled and being Jewish. So i started to hide behind my new accessories and just watching and listening, careful to avoid conflict which caused me trouble before my communication skills started to improve. I still hide behind my glasses and earphones, they have become part of me. #project117 #hide #protect #sunnies #earphones

Resilience diary - pain today: 7/10. Photo: "Ǒpėŋ" Finding books written by people decades and centuries before me asking the same existential questions that I was starting to think about happened at the same time i started my religious studies for my bar mitzvah. By the time of the big day I was excited as this was a community that was supporting me more than i realised at the time. I was not just studying but also started to teach at the Sunday school where I'd spent a few years already. It was a great atmosphere led by a great rabbi who helped me stay to work out the direction i wanted to go mentally and belief wise. Unfortunately for him I think i had too many questions and gradually found my religious beliefs not in line with what i was learning elsewhere. It was complicated as i think for most people, without any alternative information i was quite happy where i was, inquisitive as i was i was lucky to live in a place and time where i could safely explore other communities. Much of my ethics though I think cone from this period of time though, where i was learning how different people from different times all deal with the subject of what am i, what do i do, and of course the why, a question that has sent me spiralling many times. Thirteen was a turning point for me. I wanted to know more so after my bar Mitzvah i continued to study and try to understand what i wanted to commit to. What i did say least i tried, was to be more open minded and find bits and pieces from many sources to apply to my thoughts and actions. There are biases throughout which some i find ok and others the contradictions to much and i need to choose, or i take that amazing human gift and try both or all contradictions for a while and see where i end up. I was interested in life, that has been foundational. #project117 #luck #open #change #growth

Resilience diary- pain today: 7/10. Photo: "Ŵòôşħ" In the summer after school Dad would sometimes take us up to the local golf course where we'd get as many holes in before it got too dark. The course was usually closed allowing me and sometimes my brother to learn without annoying anyone. They were fun evenings chasing a ball around. It was s rough public course with luck often playing a part in the success of the game. I can still walk in my mind the first 9 holes which I find quite interesting as the course was changed many years ago now. I was quite the busy kid back then spending almost all my time outside doing something. I had to stop golf a few years ago as my body can't handle the physics anymore. I played with dad a lot through my life across a number of countries. He still gets out occasionally and will happily chat about his game that day for as long as I'll listen. Happy memories, good for when I'm crook in bed. #project117 #dad #golf #sport #active

Resilience diary- pain today: 7/10. Photo: "Ŵèíğħ" I was a very skinny kid and remained so for many years. My doctor back then suggested i stay under 80kg to give my knees their best chance which i managed until recently. At thirteen i weighed 28kg and would be blown backwards by a passing train when standing on the platform. When i went camping i would lose weight so quickly as well, coming home a few kg lighter for a week long trip. I would eat, just didn't like much food. I was pretty basic, enjoying bread, cheese, meat and anything with sugar. Nothing needed to be fancy cooked, and mostly i lived off weetbix and bread. Fruit and veg never caught my attention and most generally don't enjoy the taste of. I had enough energy though, plenty of it at the start of the day that would fade quickly towards the end allowing me to sleep. I never drank much water either, or anything. I remember going on hikes and never refilling my water bottle. I never fit in with food or body size, not that it bothered me much, i chomped on what i liked and did lots of stuff. I'm losing weight again recently with not much reason why, i need to change my diet to give this body a chance of not getting too sick and am doing ok oddly enough. I still don't like food but when motivated i can become quite stubborn, which when used well can help me quite a bit. I'm nearly back to my target weight which is good just not the way it's happening. My back is a disaster too and I'm starting to stretch more in the hope that doesn't need surgery. The level of pain is telling me otherwise but I'm good at enduring pain i guess. Got lots to do too and hope i can reignite that part of my life again. I can't sit still forever as I'm falling to pieces doing so. Bloody hard though #project117 #nps #nailpatellasyndrome #bodies

Resilience diary- pain today: 7/10. Photo: "Èḏüćáṯıǒn" As i entered high school my attitude towards education was still mixed and hasn't really changed since. After being held back a year to move to the new school Glenaeon, I felt a little strange seeing my old class mates who also moved across be in different classes and social groups. I meanwhile tried to find my place in an existing group that had already established connections. I found the classes editable though and for the most part did ok. Subjects were made interesting by the school structure and use of only coloured pencils until year 8. I still didn't do my homework though as i was finding that what i learnt at school wasn't really applicable in the real world except for some things like English and maths which i wish i spent more time learning maths. When it came to choosing subjects though, due to the demand and roster decided upon, i got one of my 6 choices and so basically gave up on school altogether. I didn't see the point of learning subjects i had no interest in, which could be seen as not willing to study but i was learning so much outside of school that helped me with what i needed to know, how to survive in a world where I didn't know how long i would be able to work for. The Concept of uni faded as the structured style didn't suit my specific interests. I started to read philosophy more and more and find that was more useful in trying to understand my place in the world and how to survive with so many barriers. I stopped work at 39 so my fears were justified, somehow i managed to have a variety of careers as i fought my body. I also felt i knew I'd be an artist but needed to experience as much as i could before i could create. I needed understanding to then be able to explore. So i found my own way to learn what i thought i needed to know and shut out anything that potentially would waste my time. Arrogance and confidence that was being supported by my extracurricular activities. Temple was a big one too as my best mitzvah was coming up. But scouts held me through until i could stand on my own. #project117 #class #learning #educate #selflearn

Resilience diary- pain today: 7/10. Photo: "Ķíłṯěṟ" I love a camp fire, doesn't matter where or when but they formed an important part to many weekends in my teens and twenties. At thirteen I started to turn into a terrible teenager though the categorisation would only cover to me years later. I was always fairly independent though the whys and how i had that characteristics and not another driving me i don't know. The concept of knowing everything as a teen was probably right on as I was still naive enough to see The World as a relatively simple place. Arguments at home with mum and dad would gradually become more regular and I pushed myself more into scouts and camping where i felt more comfortable. It was my safe place as i was and still am frightened about my body and what it will do and so any time i spent near a camp fire meant i was out living and not dealing with people who i didn't have the skills to handle yet. Discrimination for my disability was everywhere and the mentality of disabilities being an unwanted thing in society was so structural that when i was told id be in a wheelchair later in life it was seen as a bad thing. I wish it wasn't as having such tools gives me more opportunity and should be advocated. I am still trying to walk and did a few short hikes this trip and crikey i'm glad I've got the chair and more accessible walks are being built allowing me to keep doing the things i love, which is pretty lucky. #project117 #teenager #independence #solo #travel

Resilience diary- pain today: 6/10. Photo: "Ğłäșš" Our house was constantly being renovated as i grew up. Small changes and big ones, every year had some sort of change. I quite enjoyed it and learnt a lot. When updating the bathroom though, i had my first accident with glass that caught me by surprise. The room was not quite finished as the shower doors were yet installed and we had one of those heater lights that used special bulbs to radiate heat which was great after a shower in winter. Anyway whilst in the shower one of them exploded showering the room in glass shards, over of which flew across my big toe cutting a clean slice through. I was home alone and about 13yrs old. I found some way to escape the wet glass floor and wrap my foot up enough to ride my bike up to my local doc to get stitched up. The worst part was that when we complained to the company they just offered us another of their products which involved kitchen appliances of which we got a hand blender. I never really felt like that was adequate compensation but didn't get much choice. We could of got a bread maker. #project117 #glass #scars #stitches #stories

Resilience diary- pain today: 7/10. Photo: "Íŋḏèșṯṟũćṯíbłê" Ignoring all my health issues and tests a couple of weeks ago, for my 43rd birthday, my wife and i packed a van and headed off on a Roadtrip around Wales. We've had all the weather except snow though that was close, and it's been an amazing trip. We started by visiting my best mate not far from Wales before heading to Nash point for a night followed by Dale for 2 in a great farm spot and endless sunshine, then up to Aberystwyth for some incredible hikes and nature then up to Snowdonia where we battled winds and storms that destroyed our gazebo before heading back south to the middle and the Mach loop. Finishing at Brecon beacons before leaving wales and catching up with some cousins before heading home. Mentally this has been the kind of trip i needed. Reminding me of my days in Scouts where i first felt free. I'm feeling free again. Though will be back in waiting rooms next week for more medical fun, if i can balance that with this i can make it to 117. #project117 #wheels #indestructible #goanywhere #limits

Resilience diary- pain today: 7/10. Photo: "Šṯřãpș" After spending nearly half my life by thirteen in plaster casts I was not a big fan of straps to aid me in walking or running. We tried a few of them for my knees for longer hikes with scouts but i didn't like them and found that as they hurt anyways so long as they work I'll keep them free. This mindset i think applied to my attitude to medicine and general interference in my body of which i didn't even understand yet and so felt uneasy about messing with it when i had no baseline. I received only unhelpful or negative sort of prospects when speaking to any medical professional which looking back was handled pretty well as i ignored most of it, though it still left a scar. The last two weeks ive been reliant on my back brace to keep me together. I understand my body in a lot of ways now and know when i need the support. I always thought it would be my knees that would cause me most issues. So im still learning. #project117 #unaided #straps #support #growingup

Resilience diary- pain today: 7/10. Photo: "Šēäṟċħ" The last few days have been a wild ride of memories, excitement and old lessons coming back to use. It also highlighted to me the reliance on electricity and internet in the common age. As a teen in scouts I really enjoyed problem solving in wild weather. I've woken up in my sleeping bag soaking wet as a creek formed underneath me. A reason to stop using tents with separated floors to walls... getting one's sleeping gear wet is really the only killer to things though. Broken tents, bags, forgotten cooking gear or even food can be resolved by changing plans. This flexibility experience i feel helps me in my long term dealing with my body and just general life. Plans are great but are not always possible. Externalities influence everything from before and after any plan and so i find being less specific in plans gives way to opportunity as well. To be fair it doesn't always work out and failure is a component, but it exists even in the most detailed plans too so i don't go to that much effort. As with everything i learnt and based on my physical limits i find adventuring to be easier and dealing with failure easier to as i know that if i keep trying I'll find a way, and if not i move on to something else. I'm having the best time at the moment. I'm worried about my back as is worse and needs looking at but outside of these usual complaints, I'm happy. Having the most comfortable bed in the van also helps. Comfort is a new addition to my camping ventures. The rest is old habits. #project117 #search #peekaboo #find #wild