Resilience diary - pain today: 7/10. Photo: "Mêşśÿ" I seem to have hidden it forgotten the arguments that led to my moving out for a few months a few months after my sixteenth birthday maybe towards summer. I had become rebellious or whatever name one gives to the teenagers who seem to reject all help thinking they know best. Maybe i wasn't that bad and i was just like any other teen, regardless I spent three months logging on my mates bedroom floor until that got to much for both of us and we needed it our own space. That freedom i felt though is weirdly still with me, it's something i learnt or was given an option at some early stage in life and i desperately wanted to do it on my own regardless how stupid it may seem i had to understand the world a certain way. Now i beg help for nearly everything. I'm a useless blob most of the time trying to stop wincing in pain. It's been so heavy recently i spent over twelve hours passed out and/or asleep. First couch then bed, now off to get blood tests then back to couch before hopefully going for a swim. Friday get needle that should help, trying not to but secretly am counting down. I'd like to breathe normally again. #project117 #adolescence #teenage #memories #challenge

Resilience diary - pain today: 7/10. Photo: "Šűbṯłê" Looking back on my teenage years recently I'm clueless as to how i had the energy however when viewed from my teenage self I wasn't tired. This month has been wonderfully busy for me as I pushed myself out to try a new exhibition as well as be a keynote speaker for a charity auction fundraiser for disability ngo's which was amazing and teaching me new skills and refreshing old ones. I've been to Italy where i took this shot on an exploration of Florence and the incredible artworks there. I did some workshops where i share my ideas around self advocacy with a hidden disability. And i started exercising for the first time in five years and I'm so bloody sore from it. But in a week i should get a needle to reduce the pain in my broken spine and then i can hopefully build some strength back to be fit enough to stay fit with to live as long as i want to. I'm having a great life right now, better than sixteen year old could ever imagined. I've no idea where tomorrow takes me, I've got some basics to sort out for the long term such as financing my lifestyle, but mostly i want to keep enjoying what i can and getting through what i must. #project117 #reflect #subtle #time #change

Resilience diary - pain today: 6/10. Photo: "Ğöłīâṯħ" The age gap between my brother and I is three and a half years. As i turned sixteen he was just entering high school, a different one to me and we started living very different lives. We fought a lot as kids but as teens we connected only at family things and otherwise was off doing whatever extra curricular thing entertained us. I don't even know half of what he did as was too focused on my own busy schedule. We were always mates though, close enough to know the other was there when needed but otherwise was not prioritised. I don't know how my parents juggled such varied schedules and activities, mine focused on scouts and temple at the time, my brother was doing rugby and tae kwon do, probably why we stopped fighting to as he was to fast for me even if i was bigger. I lost touch with most of my family over the coming years as i struggled with life and all its complexity. I was young and eager to find my way which initially meant making a lot of mistakes on my own before finding an easier way. My brother helped out at those later times, giving me opportunities when i was down. Our relationship remains despite my nearly twenty years overseas. He's still my favourite and i love him deeply. #project117 #brother #fight #different #love

Resilience diary - pain today: 6/10. Photo: "Ŵěáṯħēṟ" Sydney was a huge city growing up with my knowledge of it limited primarily to the north east. A semi circular shaped city with the other half of the circle occupied by the Pacific Ocean which drives much of the weather systems that guided my life. From the ocean swells and wind swept waves where i first felt free swimming and surfing in its offerings to the southerly Buster's, huge storm cells that would crash through a summer afternoon drenching everyone and cooling the place down. I could navigate by smell as the sea was always to the east which made it easy to navigate regardless of the time of day or weather. I was an outdoor kid who found ways to live with the weather rather than fighting it. My favourite times were the big storms though. With crashing thunder and rain that drowned out every other sound. Sometimes I'd be camping as the world turned upside down ands all i could ever do was smile. It was Glorious being in the moment with all one's focus on the here and now. I forgot my pain and could just soak up the roar power around me, an observer with no choice but to observe. I still love standing out in heavy rain feeling the smashing of droplets into my arms face and body. It takes control and you just have to let it. It's a break from all other times. #project117 #weather #predictions #opportunity #hectic

Resilience diary - pain today: 5/10. Photo: "Łåŋğűǎğê" At school I was learning German and Japanese from about year six, dropping Japanese when i changed high school but keeping German to the end. My stupidity quite astounding as after 6 years of learning two very different languages i still hasn't worked out that i wasn't just supposed to change the english word to a foreign one. Despite my successes in English which was my favourite subject as well, i had no academic understanding of grammer. I seemed to have forgotten those lessons and focused on the way i could describe what i needed to in whatever language i happened to possess which in this case was English. It wasn't until i moved to germany years later that i would finally click that sentence structure is different in many languages. Then new words came to me that didn't exist in English and the translations never got the full picture and i was in love but also still stupid and still mostly just speak english. English for me though is my emotional language. Its where i first started to explore life through poetry, feeling out ideas ands thoughts through the written word. I have been looking for a language that helps me describe my experiences especially my pain. As information passes between us solutions present themselves and the language of pain is so basic it doesn't cover enough. The complexity of life being transposed into words will always be short of completion but the journey there should occupy whatever time we have left in this universe. I wish i had the motivation to learn other languages but I'm too deep in my own to side quest, though in reality it's happening slowly as I dig in. Just more abstract as i search for the meanings i don't have in mine. #project117 #language #communicate #information #understand

Resilience diary - pain today: 5/10. Photo: "Ćħäłḻêŋğêř" I was born with and still have a severe disability though I've never really let myself think of myself that way. At 16 i was getting to know other kids my age and looking back feel i was learning that my challenge in life was different to others but in no way better or worse and i fell pretty lucky that i had the support in my life to help with my issues whereas others i would meet would have the opposite where that support network that should exist is instead replaced and becomes the cause of their life's challenges. My main worry at this age was the true unknown about my future. Doctors had no data to work on with me and so was left to work things out mostly on my own. I learned to hide what i could of my disease but was happy enough to talk about it as it did something for me that I'm still not sure what. Its like a search for a connection to humanity as you slowly drift along feeling alone. It was another 22 years before i finally met someone like me though there was a possibility on New Year's Eve in 2000 but unconfirmed. That emotion was strong, as if meeting a sibling you've known about forever but never met. #project117 #problems #challenges #weight #shoulders

Resilience diary - pain today: 7/10. Photo: "Bêǎřḏ" I always wanted a beard. Maybe it was the influence of being born in the eighties where hair was big and out there that started with me as styles changed in the following decades. These days as probably was then i feel like you can find a community that shares your fashion wants and desires and style accordingly. I was influenced also by my dad having a beard for a few years when i was losing my baby teeth and we called him the tooth dog instead of tooth fairy as he was so hairy. At school l, yr 11, some students were able to grow full beards whilst i had barely any hair on me anywhere. I'd grow my hair on my head long though and eventually get dreadlocks. A sure sign of frustration that i couldn't grow a beard. A decade later and i had the start of one but had to wait to my thirties to get where i am today. It's nice to hide behind. #project117 #hide #beard #shelter #stories

Resilience diary - pain today: 7/10. Photo: "Śŵêěṯëŋ" By age sixteen i was working out how to be happy and have moments worth living for with friends. I hadn't really had friends before or at least not ones in the place i expected and spent most of my time, at school. I was focused on finding joy and happiness in my days and going where more choices were available. Looking back i have more memories than i can ever remember and am finding it interesting at how much of the details of life are missing. There are the big moments and events that also get lost in the specifics. All i have is the trust in myself that i did all i could when i could and trust that the decisions i made are still serving me well or if i need to do things differently. I'm in awe of how much energy i had compared to now where after a week of travel and some exhibitions I am a wreck. Its been a slow meandering decline in my mobility and I'm so proud i did what i could when i could. I'm still trying now but it feels harder. I can relax differently and enjoy the small moments as well as the big. The sunrise this morning gave such a beautiful light, reminding me that I'm doing the right thing for me, I'm surviving exactly how i want to even though i never know exactly what i want, except feelings i guess. I chase feelings which i guess i always have, at age sixteen i was starting to gain self confidence and come out of my shell. I still love being alone but every now and then i like to be front and centre of everything. Just go with them whilst they are harmless and see where they take me. #project117 #sweeten #moments #grind #stories

Resilience diary - pain today: 6/10. Photo: "Čħäşē" There were a number of games we played at scouts for our weekly meetings. I loved them all but will mention chalk chase and wide games as highlights. The chalk chase was two groups who were racing each other with one team leaving the hall with a piece of chalk five minutes ahead of the other team. The chalk was used to mark directions on the footpaths with all manner of tricks to try and prevent the team begins from catching. If the chalk team lasted the allotted time without being caught they won otherwise the catching team does. Wide games were more varied but usually involved a large area with hiding places such as some bushland of a few hundred square meters or more or less depending on the goals. If there were two teams, though can be more, capture the flag is a popular version of the game where each team member wears a ribbon tucked into their shorts that are easily grabbed by opponents which neutralise you for a period of time or until you find a healer, the goal is to capture the opponents flag, which can be anything, and bring it back to your flag. We used big things, little things, bright things (often this was played in the dark) or noisy things. The name of the game I've never thought of its origins but seems to be any game played in a large wide area. These games burnt energy and frustration out of a teenage me. I was angry at my body and didn't know how to love it so i punished it by playing as much as i could and venting the pain away, which only caused more of it, but i didn't want to stop moving, it wasn't the time. I'm slow now and can choose when i want to go fast and knowing roughly when and how much the effect will be but slow is now my preferred method, but games are still played. The earth is my wide game and I'm playing it out in full. #project117 #chalk #chase #chalkchase #scouts