Resilience diary- pain today: 5/10. Photo: "Ħőmôğẽņŷ"
I felt a strong paradox in certain parts of my life as i reached my teenage years. I seemed to be guided by the laws and culture i lived in that we all are the same and so should be treated the same thus the same rules for all. Yet my experience was telling me that i was different and it didn't take long for someone to notice, call it out and often, use it to (at that age) mostly bully me. I learned quickly to embrace the difference as it felt like i had a secret no one else knew... new people i would meet, mostly kids my own age, would call me weird within a few minutes. I quickly took this on as almost a goal whenever i met someone as i was just having fun and people thought that was weird which made it more fun and so it went. Learning how to disarm this sure of negativity as soon as it pops up was a social life saver for me as it didn't matter how much i tried, i would always walk different and when my pain got too much the symptoms are visible. But i grew to own weird, then as i grew older i realised there is no unweird, non-weird etc, there is just is trying to figure out who we are and what we're supposed to do. Chaos ensues and its incredible to participate.
#project117
#different
#weird
#embrace
#fun
Resilience diary- pain today: 6/10. Photo: "Šýmbǒļ"
Some clubs have invitations, rituals, hierarchy, structure etc, others are a demographical default with one of those having its own symbol with which you can be born into, acquire, lose, have indefinitely or temporarily with membership determined by matters out of your control. I didn't know what to make of my club as my genre was rare and so had to learn from others. As i watched the world, i learned how even those not belonging to the club have their own challenges and that the line for the club is very blurry and determined by our peers which is always going to be subjective. I learnt that we all are fundamentally the same though, from the paralysed to the Olympic athlete. Nice to know but not overly practical but i knew that my only goal was to secure the basics so whatever happens to me i can still enjoy a level of freedom of my choosing, limited sure, but nothing is infinite in a finite world.
#project117
#demographics
#decisions
#symbols
#groups
Resilience diary- pain today: Six/10. Photo: "Ħėřmįť"
Fear comes in many forms. There's the shock option that sends the heartbeat flapping away or the suspenseful type that causes sweat to gather ands anxiety to rise. I've got a few fears that seem to drive my existence forward and a paradox that has me stuck. I've always done stuff and even when i stopped working i knew I needed to do stuff to be healthy which is not a great motivator for me but easy enough to convey the point. I don't want to do anything at the moment as I'm tired of it resulting in increased pain. I just want a break sometimes. I can pretend when in company but on my own sometimes i just don't want to move. Then the less i do the harder it is to do something when i want and the spiral continues down that then impacts the mental side that has been enduring the ever growing number and intensity of issues that is preventing me from enjoying anything. I'm afraid of my future and the strength i need to find my motivation again. I'm sure i'm just having a breather but I'm tired also. I'm really tired of feeling so physically broken with every movement with it only ever getting worse. Growing up was a rush to fit in all the physical activities one can do in life before my options were reduced. Glad i did them though. Now i just keep waiting until that drive returns, it's there, hiding, like a hermit.
#project117
#drive
#motivation
#balance
#edge
Resilience diary- pain today: 6/10. Photo: "Şħípÿǎṟḏş"
Occasionally I would join dad on one of his work trips up or down the coast to one of the most intimidating places on earth, a shipyard. I remember one up near Newcastle that was just the biggest piece of infrastructure I'd ever seen. The docks had dozens of ships and boats that ranged in size from tugs and big little boats to container and other cargo ships measuring hundreds of meters long. Dad in this job would do the annual or other periodic checks of these behemoths signing off on their legal and safety right to sail. I didn't know this at the time, I was just bored and didn't understand how incredible dads work was probably because his level was beyond phd level and I was a 12 year old who couldn't count. The ships were mostly out of bounds for me though and so usually I'd be left on the bridge or galley to occupy myself with no book or phone for a few hours as dad did his thing. I never connected to ships the way dad did which is a bit of a shame as no one knows them better and has I ever managed to study would of had a great teacher. I am inspired by his passion for them though, they've given him a full life with incredible stories, all one can ask for i guess.
#project117
#shipyards
#bored
#cold
#huge
Resilience diary- pain today: 5/10. Photo: "Fłåṯ"
One of my first hikes was in the blue mountains and the blue gum forest. The blue mountains are unique in their formation whereby most infrastructure is on the top as the valleys are mostly dead ends and traps. The hike world start by train from home, changing in the city for a line out to Blackheath where a short walk of a couple of km's brings us to the start of the trail. Short at about 14km the hike takes two days because 12 of those km are either falling down one side of the valley or attempting to scramble up the other side. It's hard work and the downhill was always my least favourite as would cause my knees the most pain whereas up hill was just stamina, which i had back then. The campsite was at Acacia flat not far from the forest of blue gums. Coming home after a trip like that is like leaving a dream. The bush and nature a place to find peace with everything.
#project117
#nature
#views
#hiking
#childhood
