Resilience diary- pain today: 6/10. Photo: "Ħôŋêý Şöý"
Dinner time growing up was mostly if not all meals were home cooked, the only exception I can think of was Friday night fish and chips which was mostly during winter and the rugby season i think. Looking back i don't know how mum managed it but there was food to cook every night and so we all had roles to ensure dinner was served in an orderly fashioned. I don't think it ever went smoothly as my brother and i I'm sure was always arguing over which job to do. Before dinner was setting the table, making a salad (i had to do this once every night until the cucumbers were cut thinly, i liked my fingers uncut... it took a while) and any other food prep mum needed. Then we left to let mum cook (dad was usually away for work or would let mum cook anyways as he just burns stuff). After dinner was a mix of clearing the table which meant taking all dinner related items to the kitchen and putting most things back. Packing the dishwasher was separate and the least enjoyable job that thankfully dad usually did was the dishes in the sink. This ritual was probably 4-5 nights a week depending on scouts and such things. It was a place of comfort which was a great way to grow up. The outside world was hard, home was happy. Well until i was a teenager but that's on me i guess 😂
#project117
#dinner
#cooking
#cleaning
#team
Resilience diary- pain today: 5/10. Photo: "Şëâṟčħ"
Looking back i think it was around this age of 12-13 where I was starting to come to grips with what is is to be an "I". My memories before that age are unquestionable moments at times of pure absorption. I reacted to both my internal signals and the environments i was in along with any guidance available to me both in the moment and from whatever neurological systems are kicking off from past experience. As my world grew and my education moved from questions of how to who, I was overwhelmed at the choice and my brain struggled to handle it. Starting my bar Mitzvah education at this time gave me a place where i could at least ask questions which led me on to post bar mitzvah classes as i tried to grapple One religions perspective before settling on my own (which 30 years later have nearly settled but are still open for changes should they need be applied). I started to enjoy this new way of being, with thoughts that can lead you on forever, hypotheticals and day dreaming meaning. During this time i came across nihilism but didn't give it much notice then though it would quickly form a foundation in the background. I just took descartes motion of trying to start from scratch and build understanding from there (meditations books) and couldn't move from a start off which there is nothing... a concept indescribable despite having a name.
#project117
#search
#philosophy
#growingup
#nihilism
Resilience diary- pain today: 5/10. Photo: "Ħőmôğẽņŷ"
I felt a strong paradox in certain parts of my life as i reached my teenage years. I seemed to be guided by the laws and culture i lived in that we all are the same and so should be treated the same thus the same rules for all. Yet my experience was telling me that i was different and it didn't take long for someone to notice, call it out and often, use it to (at that age) mostly bully me. I learned quickly to embrace the difference as it felt like i had a secret no one else knew... new people i would meet, mostly kids my own age, would call me weird within a few minutes. I quickly took this on as almost a goal whenever i met someone as i was just having fun and people thought that was weird which made it more fun and so it went. Learning how to disarm this sure of negativity as soon as it pops up was a social life saver for me as it didn't matter how much i tried, i would always walk different and when my pain got too much the symptoms are visible. But i grew to own weird, then as i grew older i realised there is no unweird, non-weird etc, there is just is trying to figure out who we are and what we're supposed to do. Chaos ensues and its incredible to participate.
#project117
#different
#weird
#embrace
#fun
Resilience diary- pain today: 6/10. Photo: "Šýmbǒļ"
Some clubs have invitations, rituals, hierarchy, structure etc, others are a demographical default with one of those having its own symbol with which you can be born into, acquire, lose, have indefinitely or temporarily with membership determined by matters out of your control. I didn't know what to make of my club as my genre was rare and so had to learn from others. As i watched the world, i learned how even those not belonging to the club have their own challenges and that the line for the club is very blurry and determined by our peers which is always going to be subjective. I learnt that we all are fundamentally the same though, from the paralysed to the Olympic athlete. Nice to know but not overly practical but i knew that my only goal was to secure the basics so whatever happens to me i can still enjoy a level of freedom of my choosing, limited sure, but nothing is infinite in a finite world.
#project117
#demographics
#decisions
#symbols
#groups
Resilience diary- pain today: Six/10. Photo: "Ħėřmįť"
Fear comes in many forms. There's the shock option that sends the heartbeat flapping away or the suspenseful type that causes sweat to gather ands anxiety to rise. I've got a few fears that seem to drive my existence forward and a paradox that has me stuck. I've always done stuff and even when i stopped working i knew I needed to do stuff to be healthy which is not a great motivator for me but easy enough to convey the point. I don't want to do anything at the moment as I'm tired of it resulting in increased pain. I just want a break sometimes. I can pretend when in company but on my own sometimes i just don't want to move. Then the less i do the harder it is to do something when i want and the spiral continues down that then impacts the mental side that has been enduring the ever growing number and intensity of issues that is preventing me from enjoying anything. I'm afraid of my future and the strength i need to find my motivation again. I'm sure i'm just having a breather but I'm tired also. I'm really tired of feeling so physically broken with every movement with it only ever getting worse. Growing up was a rush to fit in all the physical activities one can do in life before my options were reduced. Glad i did them though. Now i just keep waiting until that drive returns, it's there, hiding, like a hermit.
#project117
#drive
#motivation
#balance
#edge
